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Literature Text
I left a box on your porch the night before I broke up with you. It was cardboard, medium-sized, bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a refrigerator. There weren't any words or anything on it. It was blank. And empty.
There was a message on the answering machine when I got home from work the next day, and I knew it was from you but couldn't stand the blinking red light anymore.
"Why?"
If you had looked, which I'm sure you hadn't, you would have seen that the corners were battered, the edges were dirty. Maybe if you had understood, we would still be together.
A few years ago, when we first met, you gave me a box. It was small, black, hard. It was difficult to open and close; you had to be careful not to snap your fingers. Inside, on velvet lining, was a little silver heart on a chain.
The next day, I gave you a box, too. It was bigger, a shoe box, and I had painted it red, blue, orange, and green, stripes and polka dots and stars, and inside, on the bottom, a small red heart. The rest of the inside was plain, cardboard-coloured.
I didn't want the box to be empty, so I filled it with myself. My favourite pen, a little stuffed alien with eyes that moved, a sample bottle of my favourite lotion, a piece of material from my baby blanket, some Disney princess stickers (still attached to the paper), and my two favourite Hotwheels cars – I couldn't choose which one.
I also wrote, on a Post-it note stuck to the side,
This is my heart. I'm trusting you with it.
Please be careful, don't break it.
There was a message on the answering machine when I got home from work the next day, and I knew it was from you but couldn't stand the blinking red light anymore.
"Why?"
If you had looked, which I'm sure you hadn't, you would have seen that the corners were battered, the edges were dirty. Maybe if you had understood, we would still be together.
A few years ago, when we first met, you gave me a box. It was small, black, hard. It was difficult to open and close; you had to be careful not to snap your fingers. Inside, on velvet lining, was a little silver heart on a chain.
The next day, I gave you a box, too. It was bigger, a shoe box, and I had painted it red, blue, orange, and green, stripes and polka dots and stars, and inside, on the bottom, a small red heart. The rest of the inside was plain, cardboard-coloured.
I didn't want the box to be empty, so I filled it with myself. My favourite pen, a little stuffed alien with eyes that moved, a sample bottle of my favourite lotion, a piece of material from my baby blanket, some Disney princess stickers (still attached to the paper), and my two favourite Hotwheels cars – I couldn't choose which one.
I also wrote, on a Post-it note stuck to the side,
This is my heart. I'm trusting you with it.
Please be careful, don't break it.
Literature
Fellowship Lost, Ch 1, Prt 1
“Shoot.
“Oh, shoot!
“Shoot, shoot, shoot.”
Yes, that was what Lorin said. She couldn’t deny it. She heard it leave her lips. Shoot? Any number of profanities would have been more appropriate under the circumstances, but her mother’s training was kicking in when least expected.
She would say more later – much more – but right now there was no time. She had to concentrate on moving her foot from the gas pedal to the brake; had to convince her reluctant right hand to let go of the steering wheel and shift the car into park at fifty-five miles per hour – screw the transmission. Had to remind hersel
Literature
Final Thoughts On Paper
Final Thoughts On Paper
I guess this is it,
These are my final thoughts.
I'm sorry for all I said,
I'm sorry for that night we got caught.
I'm sorry I faked all those smiles,
I'm sorry I purposely gave the wrong impresson.
I'm sorry I made it look like I was happy,
When I was causing myself depression.
I'm sorry I pretended not to listen;
Sorry for pretending not to care.
I'm sorry for bottling up with my problems,
When I knew if I needed to talk, you were there.
I'm sorry for doubting myself time after time,
I'm sorry I was constantly beating myself up.
I'm sorry I couldn't solve everyone's problems,
I'm sorry I couldn't
Literature
Boxes
He is the resident gay boy, picking out all the girl's prom dresses and being the go-to when the latest pop video comes out.
And she is the woman who is the modern mother, still making warm chocolate chip cookies on a chilly afternoon and having the laundry out of the high-tech dryer before dinner.
And they are the family of five from North Carolina, wholesome as apple pie, whatever that's supposed to mean.
And you are the outcast, focusing your entire identity around the vague fact that you're "weird".
And he is the lover of video games nobody thinks to discuss, let alone play, with him, the one who stays up nights defeating dragons and
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This is my entry for #Art-Expressions contest, the theme of which was A Box. edit! This won Grand Prize! 
Comments, etc. are much appreciated, as always.
What are your initial thoughts of a cardboard box, of any shape, size, colour, etc?
Featured here: [link] and [link]
also featured by *DailyLitDeviations April 15, 2010, as a daily literature deviation, here: [link]!!!
Featured by *Miss-S-Bird
Comments, etc. are much appreciated, as always.
What are your initial thoughts of a cardboard box, of any shape, size, colour, etc?
Featured here: [link] and [link]
also featured by *DailyLitDeviations April 15, 2010, as a daily literature deviation, here: [link]!!!
Featured by *Miss-S-Bird
© 2010 - 2024 bluefroggy67
Comments34
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Overall
Vision Originality Technique ImpactOkay, this is my first critique, so I hope I don't do too terribly badly. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>I'll explain my rating:
Vision
The vision of this piece was a bit on the fringes of the imagination. That is never a bad thing, of course, but it's a very peculiar place to be. You have to be careful when in that place, because if you're too far over the edge, your readers won't understand the main ideas of the piece. I don't know if you meant to leave the meaning of the empty box up to the reader's interpretation, but it seems that if you didn't, it wasn't very clear. Otherwise, there were no problems with how you got the point across to the reader; good job, there.
Originality
This one speaks fairly well for itself, I think. I know I've never encountered anything like this here on dA, or anywhere else, before, so bravo to you for that. Those overused plots are very discouraging; it makes a writer seem as though they haven't got at least one original idea in them, if they're using mainstream plots and endings. So, well done. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="45" height="20" alt="
" title="High-five!"/>Technique
I'm assuming that "technique" means all the grammatical things and mechanics and such, so:
After the lines about the answering machine, there should be a space (in my opinion) before the italicized "Why?"
Next up would be that there should be a semicolon instead of a comma in this sentence: It was difficult to open and close, you had to be careful not to snap your fingers.
**On a side note, I was wondering if you intended to make it seem as though he gave her the silver heart very soon after meeting her, because the way you put it, it seemed a little rushed.**
The wording you chose to use with this whole piece fits nicely with the message the story gives off, and makes it easy to read and understand for all, yet also holds enough intelligence to appease some of the higher-minded readers.
And the last line, where it says Please be careful, don't break it.: In my opinion, it sounds a little grammatically off. Maybe it should reiterate the 'please' so the comma feels right, there, because as it is, something about it just bugs me a little. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="19" height="19" alt="
" title="Shrug"/>Impact
Everyone's gone through a breakup where they wanted so badly not to be hurt, and when they gave away their heart, full of hope for the coming relationship, they silently begged the other person not to break it. (Hope I explained that right) This is relatable on so many levels, whether or not the exact same experiences were shared in their own lives. You can feel the emotion when the narrator speaks of the necessity and not the wanting to check the answering machine, and when she tells of how things came to be how they are at this point, and the significance to her of the box.
~~~
So, overall, this was a great piece of literature to read and experience. I think you did a wonderful job.